Posted by Wendy ML Tan • Nov 29, 2021
“If you think it is heavy, then it will be heavy. Open up your wings. Spread them out. Let the wind lift you up. Flow with it.” I received this vision during the recent W2W Encounter Weekend.
The past two years have been a roller coaster ride. There were high points of glee and gladness, as there were low points of despair and darkness. So dark that one night, as I laid on my bed, I thought about suicide. I teared and moaned, “Nothing matters anymore. Family, friends, CG, church, the pandemic. They can all go on without me. ” There was a short slice of silence. In the hollowness of my heart, I sensed a minute glowing light. I opened my eyes, awakened by the knowledge that because Christ is in me, I have an eternal hope through Him. I have the hope that many do not have. I got up and made a resolution that moving forward, no matter how hard things will be in the future, I will not give up again.
Fast forward to the recent weeks. In my last Ignite reflection piece, I shared about my mother and her then impending surgery. Post-op, she was recovering well but another health issue cropped up. She would experience a recurring swell on her left foot. She would spend many hours seated down or lying in bed as it would hurt when she tried to walk. When I pass by her bedroom, I would sometimes hear her tearing quietly, lamenting to God, praying that the pain would subside.
Playing the role as a caretaker took a toll on my physical and mental well-being. It cumulated to a point where I became so angry and annoyed upon receiving the Vision Day appreciation gift from church because I am allergic to 90% of its content. I ranted on my social media accounts. I was so upset I had wanted to flush the almond and pecan granola down the toilet bowl but I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. The same week, I had a small squabble with my cell member about our ImpactNow project. As I sat staring at the floor, I drew in a deep breath, I realized I needed a break. I needed time off to rest and recharge.
I paused for a day, ignoring text messages of concern. When I was ready, I poured my heart out to my ACL and my spiritual mom. Receiving their unbiased support gave me the encouragement to pick myself up. Attending a simple baking lesson with a close friend and gifting the cake to another warmed my heart. An impromptu gathering for lunch and coffee as well as a dentist’s satisfactory report relieved me of tension and worry.
I hold on to the promise that “Surely, [God’s] goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.” (Psalms 23:6); through the good times, and the not-so-good times. I am blessed to have this certain hope that is found in Christ. He is a living and personal God. He is faithful and true; and His love will never fail.