Contributed by Phoebe Leong • Dec 24, 2023
As I grow, I realize that the pursuit of answers has gradually become part of my world and life. Questions I used to settle with not knowing the answers to, I find myself searching and aching to arrive at where the ‘x’ would mark the spot – where all my curiosities, worries, doubts, and fears would be put to rest.”
These were thoughts I penned down back in 2020, when 20-year-old me had a glimpse of the real world for the first time. It’s now 3 years later, and though the subjects in question have varied, the strife for control, knowledge, and answers is very much prevalent, and in fact, has increased. Perhaps it’s that the stakes are higher now and I have more to lose – a career, a reputation, a growing bank account, a community with different circles of friends, a long-term relationship, a future; but ‘dying to self’, as the Christian term gets thrown around, gets harder to live by. ‘Dying to self, submitting to Christ’ is an even taller order. I saw how my pursuit of answers fast-tracked and evolved into a search for security, peace, an identity, and for a place in a world that only offers fools’ gold and chaos.
All this to say – the temptation to be a master of my own world was so real.
If by this point, I’m starting to sound like a ‘backsliding’ Christian and you’re getting worried for me, fret not. All is well.
It’s in moments like these where I see the wretchedness of the human heart – my human heart, and the brokenness of this world, that I see the beauty and glory of God, the One that holds it all in His hands. I am reminded of what Christ came to do, to offer life – and life to the full in a dying world, peace, contentment, and joy to hearts starved of it, mine included.
I know that despite the little battles that need to be fought daily, I am not spared from the temptations of the world, but I can put my faith and set my sights on a God who has won the war for me. Romans 8 puts it rightfully (and beautifully) so:
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
I know that at the end of the day, I can be thankful for this faith I have, for a God who hears my cries and ‘secret’ prayers and sees my deepest struggles. I can be thankful for a God who loves me and gives me His favor though I am not deserving. I can be thankful for the Cross – the redemption, grace, and power secured because of it.
So, if you, too, have found yourself weary from this journey of searching and wanting, may you be encouraged to find God as your ultimate provider, and Christ as your highest joy.