Posted by Wendy ML Tan • Apr 25, 2023
Dating and Marriage
The last two relationships that I was in lasted 5 and 5½ years. They were long, and they did not last. When I reflect on them, it was clear that Christ wasn’t in the relationships, not as a priority anyway. In the first of the two relationships, my ex-boyfriend wasn’t a Christian. Eventually, we broke off because I sensed that marriage was never on the cards. Six months later, he called to inform me that he was getting married. The other relationship was complicated. When I met him, I didn’t know that he was already married and his divorce was not yet finalised. I stayed on because we got along well in the initial years before his cancer relapsed (a few times). I had really wanted to be in a relationship and I tried so hard to ‘make it work’. I prayed that it would work, but God said, “No. Enough is enough.”
I have avoided dating for many years. I told God that, “it’s okay if there isn’t anyone. I am quite pleased to be independent as long as I can be dependent on You.” Nowadays, I think about how, with Christ being the most important person in my life, I would feel about being in a new relationship, even before marriage. I set boundaries so that I will not be involved in a complicated relationship again. I envision that in a new relationship, the man would be serving in God’s kingdom wholeheartedly, is spiritually sound and would love me as He loves Christ. If Christ is not in our lives, things are bound to fall apart. Even if we were so, I hope that we can have conversations to overcome disagreements and go about mending things. Not sweeping them under a dusty carpet. Life is short, time is catching up. If there is an opportunity to still dream of a future partner, why not? Meanwhile, I am content to just spend my days, with Christ walking by my side.
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Parents and Children
I have the privilege to have biological, and spiritual parents. I feel I should pen down all the good stuff but I gotta be real. I love my father figures because as much as they are all firm and strict, they don’t exasperate me much. Allowing me to make mistakes but always having the hand that reaches down to me so that I can grab them and get up, again and again. It is their unwavering support that encourages me to step forward in life.
Mothers on the other hand paint a different story. I know my mothers are thoughtful and they love me, but the way they express themselves (through their nagging and insistence to see things their way) is a turn-off for me at times.
Last year, it got to the point where I refused to talk to my Ma for one month. I was adamant not to apologise because to me, she caused the fight. As much as the Holy Spirit would nudge me to make amends, I refused. God pursued both of us and continued to work His way into our situations and we finally talked again.
Deep in my heart, I struggled with God about my relationship with my Ma so when a friend approached me to attend a course under TRAC, called Introduction to Spiritual Formation, I accepted the invitation. During a week’s reflection exercise, God revealed to me the unforgiveness that I had towards my Ma. All my life, since I was a little girl. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I journaled down all the times I could remember about what she had done to anger me. At the end of the page, I released it all to God. As He forgives me, so I forgave my Ma. That day onwards, I looked at her differently. Even when she irks me still, I will brush it off. The mounting resentment that I once had towards her has melted away.
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Master and Slaves
I am unemployed currently so I have no new stories to share about ‘work’. Yes, I am a student, but I think I won’t write about my studies, nor my dean and lecturers today. It’s all amiable and good, in case you wonder.
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Conclusion
It takes a lot of hard work to maintain good relationships with people, and I am imperfect in many ways. There are obstacles and conflicts, sometimes caused by my own inadequacies and my expectations of the people in my life, or theirs of me. There are friendships and relationships that I have had to painfully let go, including my ex-BFF since high school. That was tough because we had known each other for 24 years. We played truant in school, I was her maid-in-honour. She would be the one I could talk to about all sorts of things at 3am. I miss her a lot but strained relationships, even when mended, are never the same. It taught me to cherish all my other relationships in life.
If it is worth it, then maintain it, as best as you can. Give and take. Know each other’s love languages. Be tolerant and patient with one another, bear with one another. Pray for one another. Talk it out. Don’t just walk away and disappear. And if all fails, at least you know that you have tried.
“Learning how to love your neighbour requires a willingness to draw on the strength of Jesus Christ as you die to self and live for Him. Living in this manner allows you to practise biblical love for others in spite of adverse circumstances or your feelings to the contrary.” (John C. Broger, a missionary)