Written by Hung Lan • May 15, 2023
Dusk was a most daunting time of day. The advent of a fussy and colicky baby was enough to send me spiralling. Every evening. So much so, 3 months after my first born arrived, I vowed never to have another child.
19 years and 3 kids later…
I miss those sweet smells and Michelin-limbs, knobby toes and chubby fingers. The constant “why’s and how’s and what’s” doesn’t seem so trying after all. Has it been that long? The adage “The days are long, but the years are short” rings true when I roll the films of those early years in my mind. These days, looking up is the norm when I speak with my kids and there is always an arm stronger than mine to open the jar of ginger sauce. It never ceases to amaze me how those tiny bundles can expand to such height and strength.
As much as I tire from the marketing, feeding, driving, disciplining and… more feeding, the constant voice of God remains crystal clear – they are mine. Why then would He place these beloved kids in the hands of a wretched being like me? In moments of frustration and anger, many a sinful word have been uttered – breaking their spirits and wounding their hearts; wounding mine. Afterwards, these children are quick to extend forgiveness and in those times, God shows me who He is. My tender-hearted Father. Always ready to forgive, always ready to bring home, ever ready to reconcile. A.L.W.A.Y.S.
My motherhood journey has been riddled with joy, happiness and hope; peppered with pain, anguish and anxiety. Perfection? Not in the vocab jar. Ideal family? One wonders how 3 kids from the same parents could be so utterly different. Our family is probably the best advert for One-size-doesn’t-fit-all. There is the constant need to run back to God for wisdom and strength because the recipe needs tweaking all the time! Too much spice, too little sugar, not enough salt… There are times when the stew tasted great (just right!) and times when the pot of soup had to be thrown out. Striking a balance between the different flavours and garnishing it with the right touch of “friendliness” is an on-going process. But God gets it right. A.L.W.A.Y.S.
The gospel pans out in my motherhood journey with God as God and I, Peter and Judas. And each time, He is there to welcome me back on the shores of forgiveness and reconciliation. Taking a leaf from Luke 11:13 “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven…” My love for the children frightens me at times. How could love for another person be this intense? And then God whispers “Because I first loved you.” Always will.
