Contributed by Wendy ML Tan • Mar 25, 2025
I am now at the tail-end of a storm that has raged for many months. Throughout the turmoil, I have lived in denial that I was the primary cause of it. My heart was hardened to the thought that I could be so disobedient to God’s calling and plan upon my life. I dreaded the storm. I knew something was wrong. I had wriggled my way around, trying to make sense of the waves that hit me but I refused to confront what God has brought to mind every time I asked Him to search my heart.
I reasoned with God why I was adamantly against some people’s decisions that they have made even though the issue had nothing to do with me. It was just principles that I live by that are not agreeable with theirs. It is hard for me to let go because these were people I loved and respected. How in the world did they come to their decisions? Was it to justify their opinions?
I responded bitterly. I began to nitpick on all the little wrongs they did.
Because of my selfish righteousness, I decided that I would avoid places and times where I would see and interact with them, although sometimes, it was inevitable to do so. I didn’t think anyone would notice, until two very good friends probed me on why they had not seen much of me around for two whole months. Then, when I was visiting a friend’s CG recently, a little girl came up to me and excitedly told me that her birthday was round the corner. I looked at her, and asked, “Do you miss me?” She nodded her head. I felt a prickly tinge in my heart. I knew God was leading me somewhere, and during Sunday’s Bible Study, my group members’ remarked how much they enjoyed the session with me. Still, I told God, “I am not ready to go back yet. Give me a little more time to sort this out.”
I know God is gracious and I know that He loves me. I know because while I am going through this major storm, He would still watch over me as I faced other little storms in my life. In my Engage reflection last December, I wrote about how I was sorry for disobeying God in regards to a broken friendship. This friendship remains tattered but in January, I was able to start rebuilding another one that was affected by it. Recently, my car overheated again and it had to be towed to my regular go-to service center. The thought of spending money on its repairs worried me. This month itself, I had to fork out way more than I have earned on my part-timer’s paycheck. Yup, running away will cost us more than we want to spend. Yet, at the same time, God continues to provide for me in many ways, such as through people who would still insist on paying for my meals or unsolicited advice, like “it’s still cheaper to spend on repairs than paying monthly installments on a brand new car” or the text message that implies, “I am busy but I will make time for you”.
Just as we don’t know when Jonah started to pray, neither do we know where the fish vomited Jonah out. It may not be where God first spoke to him about Nineveh but he would still need to head there.
I need not go back to where or when it first began. What is more crucial is that as I step away from this storm, I must get back on track towards God’s calling and will in my life. I also need to confront the feelings of pride and prejudice towards the people I do not see eye to eye with and to learn to really love my enemies and pray for them.
“God, help me.”