Contributed by Wendy ML Tan • Sep 9, 2025
It has been slightly over a month now since my diagnosis, and since then, I have learned a whole lot of jargon related to it and how to live in a way that accommodates for my better well-being. On the one hand, I could say that I have suffered so much in life in not knowing what has caused me so much anxiety and not being able to express how or why it happens. I have suffered the embarrassment of clumsily knocking over things and people when I misjudged the distance of where they are; it’s like I have two left feet. I recall the days when all I wanted to do in my old office was to crawl under my desk and hide when work got too stressful; or even to take a day off and do literally nothing.
In the past month, I have tried to reconcile with someone I have been in conflict with but it did not end in the way that I expected it to. So for the time being, I have to set a boundary for myself to avoid facing the person again. No doubt, the relationship will suffer. It is already somewhat estranged anyway. But, I do not want to drain myself further in trying so hard to make something work when it is a one-way effort.
Though I had that setback, I also found joy. Joy in being accepted by friends and acquaintances who would take time to sit me down and listen to me attentively and empathetically. Joy in reducing noise around me with my new pair of rose-pink earplugs. Joy in having a delectable feast with fellow IDMC III volunteers or enjoying the public holiday with a picnic with my CG. Joy in attending Engage huddles because that’s when the team can share openly about our takeaways from the weekend sermons (or about the preachers).
There is certainly joy and suffering as we serve in a ministry. One other ministry that I serve in is Equip: Inductive Bible Study. Briefly, the suffering challenges that I face would be the doubts that I have on my own capabilities to contribute constructively within the core team, or even of the time that I would have to spend poring over the homework and getting slides up and ready before a facilitation session (if I am tasked and scheduled to do so), the effort of scripting or practising what to say so that I won’t overrun on the timing and the fear that no one listens or when they do, they do not understand me. It does sound like I am over-thinking things, but that’s how my brain is wired. I suffer from having a mind that thinks all the time and therefore, I suffer too from dark panda eyes and looking consistently tired.
The joy of serving in this ministry? Well, there’s the joy of growing — growing in confidence in facilitating a study group, growing in the expanse of how I approach exegesis of Bible passages and growing in knowing God more than more. My circle of friends has also grown as we share life and answers from our weekly study sessions. Moreover, I find joy in serving alongside extraordinary people who serve in humility and love towards each other on the team and for the Kingdom of God.
Suffering and joy permeates in different seasons and facades of our lives. It is in knowing God that I have come to appreciate the way He allows for the suffering in my life so that it would lead me to Him. So that in knowing Him, I can trust and lean on Him in greater suffering. The greater the suffering, the greater the joy. Who else but to celebrate the joys of my life than with Him? To Him be all glory and praise.