Contributed by Wendy ML Tan • Mar 12, 2024

During Celebrations last weekend, I closed my eyes during worship and saw a vision. The backdrop was a battlefield, with a rider dressed in black sitting on a black horse a few hundreds of metres from where I stood. All around was darkness and fire. “Oh, I don’t like this scene. Why Father, are you showing this to me?” Then, almost immediately, a very big white stallion with a rider draped in white armour appeared before me. The rider was hoisting a shimmering sword in hand. With one swoop, the darkness smothered out and grey air filled the fields ahead. The devil’s army had vanished. And then I hear God asking me, “Why do you still do or want to do what you know would make you feel lousy and guilty in the end? Don’t you see that I can wipe everything off the face of the world just like that?” I gaped at the majestic king before me, as He readied His army to charge forward.

How often have I prayed and asked God to help me overcome my weaknesses only to succumb to my own means of dealing with the issues that I have in life.

My right arm has been aching for many months. I should be consulting a doctor or physiotherapist. Instead, I tell myself that God can and will heal my hand. The truth is, He can and will heal my hand, but I have not been heeding Him in asking for help from medical expertise. He has spoken through friends who gave me the contact of the Klinik Kesihatan near my campus, and He has cautioned me through my regular pharmacist that prolonged use of painkillers can lead to kidney failure. Yet I did not listen to anyone.

It’s interesting that every time I am tasked to write a reflection piece, I am forced to confront what is really in my heart. Yes, I am afraid to know the extent of the damage on my arm and I am anxious of how much I would have to spend on medical fees. I know I am short changing myself by not actively doing anything about it. Worst, God opened my eyes to see how disobedient I have been towards His nudging. This disobedience stems from my subconscious pride to test God’s prerogative to heal me directly. In this instance, I break the first commandment when I do not put Him nor His voice above all else.

What then, do I need to do? I will schedule myself to visit the doctor. I will remind myself to be strong and courageous, as He has promised that He will always watch over my life. I will not use the pain as an excuse to loath about impending deadlines and unavailability to serve wholeheartedly.

It is not that I do not know how much God loves me. I know that He died for my sins, the past, the present and the future. I know that He is not looking for sinless perfection. I know what is written in John 1:9. It’s just that there are days when I have wondered if I am really deserving of His utmost love, especially when I don’t seem to overcome certain indisciplines in my life. I have not always given my best, half expecting God to do the rest. Wishfully hoping that He would let things slide.

If you think you are good, think twice. For me, I don’t think I am good. I don’t have to think twice or thrice or a thousand times to know that I am not all that good. I do have my faults and flaws. But, you know what? God loves me. God loving me is good enough for me. I cannot save myself, but He can. Reminding myself of this truth today, gives me hope that I can still grow into a better version of myself.