Contributed by Wendy ML Tan • Dec 24, 2024
This weekend’s “Come Home for Christmas” series concludes with a topic I dread to write on: love, as I have been in conflict with a dear friend.
As the sermon was being preached, I heard the phrase, “Love others as you love yourself”. Just as it is with the message of hope, peace and joy, love starts with God, then ourselves before we reach out to others. “Do I not love myself?”
Recently, my CG was tasked to be involved in a Christmas event at DUMC @ Puchong (DP). Even though I had announced about it weeks in advance, many of my CG members would not be free to help out as the timing was very near Christmas Day and they had made plans of their own. Yet, I decided to just proceed to have the CG help out. In my mind I was thinking, “I might as well just get this over and done with, with whoever that can make it for this occasion. Besides, it will be unfair to other CGs to get a short notice to help out.” This was my own doing. Caring too much to get things done my way. Thinking that it would be of benefit to the others involved. It’s Christmas, surely things will work out! But it didn’t, not for me. I won’t want to spill out the details here that got me all riled up and annoyed. Suffice to say, when my own deadline to get a caterer was up, I called it quits. I remember that leading up to that night when I exited the committee’s group chat, I had been feeling unpeaceful and I was lamenting that I wasn’t feeling the joy of Christmas this season.
In letting go of serving in the Christmas event, a burden seems to be lifted up from me. When I shared about what I was going through with my ACL, she said, “I am sure God has something else in store for you.” She was right. An opportunity to serve in DC came up. It was an impromptu decision and yet I was welcome to serve as one of the hosts to the IIUM students who visited our church this recent Sunday. Meanwhile, the Christmas event went on well in DP.
God reminded me again, “Love yourself first, before you love others.” I then thought about the conflict that I have with my friend. It has been a tough year of silence and attempts to reconcile. One night, I deleted names off my Instagram account. For one week, I felt peaceful, not having to react to postings and repostings. But soon, a Christmas dinner came about, arranged by our mutual friend. The fellowship at the table was genuine. I tried my best to play nice. Finally, I asked God, “If it is really true that she had no part in being difficult, then why am I feeling like something is wrong? Why is it so hard to get back to the way it used to be?”
God then flashed the memory of a conversation I had about two years ago (not with this friend), and the result of agreeing to something that God had said no to before. It then occurred to me that the conflict I was in ultimately rooted back to my disobedience towards God. How careless of me! I heard Him right the first time six months earlier but when the same suggestion was posed to me, I decided to ‘just play along and go with the flow’. I wanted to pacify the other person. When things went wrong though, the other person decided that she made a wrong move, apologized and decided not to have anything to do with the situation thereafter. By then I had begun to suffer the consequences.
God spoke to me so many times but I couldn’t catch what He meant because I was blinded with my own desires. Nonetheless, God remains faithful, patient and kind. He wanted me to be released and freed from this wrongdoing. So, I come before God today and say that I have sinned against Him, and that I am sorry for disobeying Him.
Moving forward, what I need to do is to love myself, by not dwelling in the guilt and condemnation of what has happened. To love myself in setting boundaries so as not to get hurt again by the same people who impose their wants and fancies on me. To love myself is to grasp how precious and worthy I am in the sight of God who wants the best for me, beyond what I can imagine or tempt myself with. To love myself that I may truly love others and bring glory to God, my Redeemer and Salvation.