Posted by Wendy ML Tan • Feb 14, 2022
It is ok not to be ok but it is not ok to stay not ok. Have I been ok?
Ever since the schedule for the new semester was released last year, I asked God whether I should sign up for 2 or 3 subjects. For many weeks, I did not get any answer from Him. So, I signed up for 3. I was allowed to attend a maximum of 2 sessions for each subject and if I wanted to opt out of any, I could do so before the 3rd session. Within the first week, I was inclined to let go of one of the subjects. Sensibly I felt out of my league to study the subject.
The other reason was because I was feeling really, very tired. I did not want to admit it to anyone. Perhaps I have put up such a strong front that when confronted with questions on how I was doing, I would give answers like, ‘I am all right’, ‘I am okay’ or ‘I am surviving’. Those were partial truths.
At times, I would look at myself in the mirror and lament, “Oh, the eye-bags seem to be getting darker.” One time, I went to a pharmacy to buy a box of paracetamol. The pharmacist asked me a few questions and then remarked, “What you described are migraines. Do you get them often?” Another time, I went to an art jamming session but was unable to finish up a painting within the stipulated time. Adamant that I would not leave the art piece behind for the nagging instructor to help me complete it, I took it home but that experience annoyed me so much that I refused to touch up on the painting as I did with previous pieces.
I tell myself that I am tired, but really, I know I shouldn’t be. My mother’s health is improving and she is capable of doing so much more than she did when I wrote my last Ignite reflection. So, where or how did it all go wrong for me? The sheer lack of discipline?
I did not dare to ask God to search my heart. Afraid that I would not be able to face up to the truth that He would reveal about me. Tasked to do the sermon summary this weekend, I had no choice but to confront the emotions and thoughts that have been pulling me back every time I tried to take a step forward.
I find myself in a place that feels remote. Logically, I know that it cannot contain me forever. I am pretty sure that God will find me there. He is after all the author of my life. He hints to me that the escape plan to get me out of there is for me to have the faith and total trust that He is in control. I need not fear for He is the majestic king that cares and loves me unconditionally. He is reaching out to hold me in His hands. The question is whether I have the courage and readiness to allow Him to take me through the difficult circumstances that I have put myself into.
On 1st January 2022, God granted me what I would call, A Painting in the Sky 2.0. It charts my journey this year. Along the river, there will be turns and storms that will come my way, but there is also a gushing waterfall and blue oasis in sight. God assured me that He is always round the bend, if I would just pay attention and seek Him first. He told me, “Life is beautiful, when I AM in it.”
Jesus is here.
My king, my brother, my friend, I am here too. There is no other place more worthy and peaceful than to be walking side by side with you. Thank you for patiently waiting and nudging me to come back to my senses. I love you, too.